I wanted to write something positive today. In fact, I created this blog in the first place because it was supposed to be a “manifesto of my self-fulfilling prophesies.” More than wanting to share my insights and beliefs however, it was actually an attempt to make myself hold on to those beliefs and use such insights to propel me to keep on struggling and never give up.Yet in all honesty, I could no longer count the number of times I have contemplated and wished that I could just leave everything behind and stop caring anymore. I have been very angry for such a long time and there were times when even the most trivial things would trigger an outburst. I have suppressed so much negativity over the past years that I am like a dormant volcano just waiting for its time to finally erupt.I have weighed all my alternatives countless of times, tried on different approaches, grabbed anything and everything I could get, yet I am still stuck. Yet everything I have tried so hard to avoid or run away from are all catching up on me now.

I still could not understand why things like this happen to a lot of people while others just seem to breeze through life smoothly. It’s still difficult to accept that not everything is fair nor is everyone equal. Yet I am still hoping that things would get better, not because I’m a die-hard optimist, but because if I think otherwise, nothing else would be left of me.

For me, it’s an option to continue living or just die. The latter is very tempting. Yet in as much as the notion of death seems to promise a “final rest” from all our struggles, it could also be just another propaganda by those who have “created” society and religion. The possibility that it could be worse pisses me off even more. Or perhaps too, I am simply a coward. Perhaps I am just too afraid of the unknown, of more pain, of the notion of eternal damnation.

Then again, it could also mean that just like the rest, I’m a sucker for those fleeting moments of bliss, hence despite the high price we have to pay, just like the junkie who couldn’t seem to stop his adiction, most of us are still hanging on.
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